food diary

note to self: this is not a calorie counter or way of judging yourself
keep track so you can notice patterns and improve next time

my recovery journey has been freakin tumultuous lately. i'm weighing over 200 lbs and looking fat and feeling like........ 97% confident that i needn't work on losing weight and rather work on confidence and health. that's the right thing to do, right?

my binging problem has been calmed very much but i'm not making the best decisions lately. H talks me into eating out often, etc. idk. i guess that small part of me is remaining from my ED when i used to think "when i was happy being fat i was just in denial" but that part of me isn't in their right state of mind.

i would never think of someone so negatively for being fat, so why am i so negative to myself? in a weird place rn

o my god... i can't believe i still haven't binged... i'm really proud of myself.

through the past few weeks i've been oscilating about how exactly to treat my food issue. i started out wanting to find food freedom and not worry about my weight at all but i struggle a lot with that kind of approach. i'm an extremely type A person and i just don't think being loosey goosey with everything works out well for me. i like to be controlling with areas of my life with planners, to-do lists, and logs of my behavior. the other thing is that i just can't redesign the beauty standard i've picked up from being a manga fan for years. -.-"""""" i can say with full confidence that i'm overweight, fat, whatever you want to call it, and i no longer feel ashamed about that, nor do i think being overweight is a failure or something that reflects badly on myself. however, the clothing i want to wear and my "designed" self are slimmer than i am now. as i've worked hard avoiding binges the past few weeks, i really think i've unlocked the key of not keeping junk food in the house. (rather, i convinced H to stop keeping it and i've shown him what a difference it makes... and expressed gratitude)

anyway, i say all that to say that i am going to go on a diet with a deficit in calories. i accept myself at any size and decided to do something like this as a form of self-love because i deserve to have whatever shape i want. going forward, i'm eating some fruit with pb for breakfast and for lunch and dinner, having a protein, serving of vegetables, and a piece of fruit. i'm also trying to drink a lot of water. i'm putting a lot of focus on this for now and going to ease into exercising as i feel like it rather than trying to force a lot of changes on myself at once.

i lost all the weight the first time from starving myself, smoking cigarettes, and drinking coffee and was doing because i wanted to punish myself or control a chaotic life. i feel like i'm finally at the point in my life where i'm going in the right direction and am so attractive to things i've been manifesting. i'm stepping above my self hatred and taking REAL care of myself by holding myself accountable and changing my food habits for the rest of my life. i promise it to myself.

i had a really really rough day today. had a ton on my plate with work and it's stressing me out a lot that business has been slow this month. my anger and overwhelment lead to screaming and forcing myself to sit through the feeling...

not having any triggering or bingeable foods in the house made it somewhat manageable? but i did eat more than i needed to throughout the day due to my stress and bad headspace. i'm kinda thinking of saying fuck it and going on a proper diet so i can just be a control freak. -.-"

i haven't written in a long time because H graciously obliged my request to stop keeping junk food in the house. though i'm still struggling a little bit with food freedom, i've been keeping a better eye on my eating and haven't binged in a while. i'm feeling much better in general. i also started a tumblr page for self improvement and health so i've been leaning on that more for support than here.

i haven't had an easy time lately with image and food stuff. i wanna low restrict so bad lol. don't feel like writing anything down but... whatever.

i binged all day today and i have a feeling it won't stop soon. i know exactly what caused it too, i am super lonely and don't have anyone to reach out to or keep my company. all i want is some comfort, nobody is available. i keep trying to work and distract myself. i had an ok day otherwise so i'm not like down in the dumps. i just feel really lonely.

noticed trigger: lonely

4/12/2021 evening
i'm still finding out how i want to keep this and the form just doesn't appeal to me rn...
for the time being maybe i'll just post a general recap and try to see triggers if it was a bad day. anyway... i'm really glad to say I GOT SOME EXERCISE TODAY i went to a local path with my friend and we walked about an hour. i'm really glad i broke the seal so now i can start going every day.

i didn't binge today at all either i need every day to be like this except not waking up sooooo late. gonna try extra hard to wake up at 4 tomorrow.

4/12/2021 morning
i don't feel like writing the format i was planning on filling out but all i'm about to say is i binged a lot this weekend. i also keep trying to wake up early and can't drag my sorry ass out of bed before 6. i'm completely disgusted with myself. unfortunately i think one of the things that triggered me is that H is a big eater and i get caught up excusing binging by going with what he wants to do. i feel like shit cuz all i want to do is go on a diet but i know that will only put the spiral further. the other thing i really want to do is ask H to keep his food out of the house but it's unfair to him.

i have such a huge number of things to be helpful for but i can't help sabotaging and binging like crazy. and what am i supposed to when i'm figuring out that one of my triggers is spending time with the person i'm closest to??

gonna try to write again later. today i will eat when i'm hungry, have something nutritious, and stop eating when i'm full.

noticed trigger: H eating a lot makes me feel excused to
i need to stop putting things on H and become more independent. like i have to ignore what he's eating and do my own thing. and if i want to go out i just need to go before he gets home. unfortunately i think i can only depend on myself in general.

woke up feeling: crappy for no reason -_-
woke up at: 6am
morning: coffee with cream
mid-day: 2 cinnamon rolls
afternoon: i got really stressed and ate another cinnamon roll. :(
night: H was tired and sick, i really wanted to go out and i had the inappropriate response of going out and getting a 4 for $4 at wendys, cheese curds at culver's, and onion rings. i drank 2 beers when i got home.

exercise: ☒
two liters of water before mid-day: ☒
two liters of water after mid-day: ☒

noticed trigger: H comes home in an annoying/bad mood when i was hoping to hang out

woke up feeling: crappy cuz i ate badly yesterday
woke up at: 6am
morning: i had coffee with cream and wasn't hungry
mid-day: got hungry at around 11, ate leftover meatloaf
afternoon: snack of vegetables and a cheese stick
night: TBD

exercise: ☒
two liters water before mid-day: ☑
two liters water after mid-day: ☑