food diary

note to self: this is not a calorie counter or way of judging yourself
keep track so you can notice patterns and improve next time

i haven't written in a long time because H graciously obliged my request to stop keeping junk food in the house. though i'm still struggling a little bit with food freedom, i've been keeping a better eye on my eating and haven't binged in a while. i'm feeling much better in general. i also started a tumblr page for self improvement and health so i've been leaning on that more for support than here.

i haven't had an easy time lately with image and food stuff. i wanna low restrict so bad lol. don't feel like writing anything down but... whatever.

i binged all day today and i have a feeling it won't stop soon. i know exactly what caused it too, i am super lonely and don't have anyone to reach out to or keep my company. all i want is some comfort, nobody is available. i keep trying to work and distract myself. i had an ok day otherwise so i'm not like down in the dumps. i just feel really lonely.

noticed trigger: lonely

4/12/2021 evening
i'm still finding out how i want to keep this and the form just doesn't appeal to me rn...
for the time being maybe i'll just post a general recap and try to see triggers if it was a bad day. anyway... i'm really glad to say I GOT SOME EXERCISE TODAY i went to a local path with my friend and we walked about an hour. i'm really glad i broke the seal so now i can start going every day.

i didn't binge today at all either i need every day to be like this except not waking up sooooo late. gonna try extra hard to wake up at 4 tomorrow.

4/12/2021 morning
i don't feel like writing the format i was planning on filling out but all i'm about to say is i binged a lot this weekend. i also keep trying to wake up early and can't drag my sorry ass out of bed before 6. i'm completely disgusted with myself. unfortunately i think one of the things that triggered me is that H is a big eater and i get caught up excusing binging by going with what he wants to do. i feel like shit cuz all i want to do is go on a diet but i know that will only put the spiral further. the other thing i really want to do is ask H to keep his food out of the house but it's unfair to him.

i have such a huge number of things to be helpful for but i can't help sabotaging and binging like crazy. and what am i supposed to when i'm figuring out that one of my triggers is spending time with the person i'm closest to??

gonna try to write again later. today i will eat when i'm hungry, have something nutritious, and stop eating when i'm full.

noticed trigger: H eating a lot makes me feel excused to
i need to stop putting things on H and become more independent. like i have to ignore what he's eating and do my own thing. and if i want to go out i just need to go before he gets home. unfortunately i think i can only depend on myself in general.

woke up feeling: crappy for no reason -_-
woke up at: 6am
morning: coffee with cream
mid-day: 2 cinnamon rolls
afternoon: i got really stressed and ate another cinnamon roll. :(
night: H was tired and sick, i really wanted to go out and i had the inappropriate response of going out and getting a 4 for $4 at wendys, cheese curds at culver's, and onion rings. i drank 2 beers when i got home.

exercise: ☒
two liters of water before mid-day: ☒
two liters of water after mid-day: ☒

noticed trigger: H comes home in an annoying/bad mood when i was hoping to hang out

woke up feeling: crappy cuz i ate badly yesterday
woke up at: 6am
morning: i had coffee with cream and wasn't hungry
mid-day: got hungry at around 11, ate leftover meatloaf
afternoon: snack of vegetables and a cheese stick
night: TBD

exercise: ☒
two liters water before mid-day: ☑
two liters water after mid-day: ☑