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07/12/2023

i need to get this off my chest

"there is no audience to perform for, there is no approval, no admiration to attain. there is no role worth playing, there is no one to convince. let it go" ~ tumblr user tordenvejr

lately i kind of feel like i backed myself into a corner. i'm currently unlearning a pattern of fear-based overworking and it's been more of a process than what i expected. due to how many projects fail, i don't feel like the only way i can keep my bills paid is to throw as much as humanly possible at the wall to see if anything sticks. sometimes i can even work like a dog, 12 hours a day for weeks and nothing i produce sticks. so i'm struggling with this.

i've also been thinking a lot about "what i can control" vs. "what's out of my control," for example, i feel like i'm constantly scrambling to keep up with how fast-paced my industry is. the pace of my industry isn't something i can control and i recognize that trying to keep up is putting me in a toxic place... now what? i usually come up with the same conclusion. that all i can do is continue trying my best, stay consistent, and not put stock in things like whether i'm keeping up, possible missed opportunities, etc.

weirdly, along with the idea of being praised for being hard-working, i think "gratitude culture" has impacted me in kind of a weird way. i'm a very grateful person and make a constant effort to be gracious, think of what i'm grateful for etc. i almost feel like the self-sabotaging part of me uses this to fuel a feeling that all that i'm grateful for can be taken away if i'm not grateful enough to justify keeping it.

i fear that everything could be taken away from me. i grew up knowing firmly that i was on my own and couldn't count on anyone to catch me if i fell. i think this has made me an insecure person, always wanting approval or reassurance that i'm doing ok. almost all of my adulthood i've been adrift without an idea of what i'm supposed to be doing. now that i know myself better and think i have an idea of what i want, how can i let go of this insecurity?

in this moment, the best thing i know to do is declare it until i believe myself. i have nothing to fear, nor anything to take away. all things are changing at all times so being completely attached to anything will only be put myself in danger.

07/06/2023

untitled i'm still really busy but as of yesterday i cleared a ton of deadlines that have been hanging over me. also, regarding that traumatic event i've been cryptically refering to, i'm feeling kinda better about it. i basically dived in a few weeks ago and really felt everything... made some artwork, etc. to help me process it a bit then got back to daily life. i think it's helped me and i've been able to grow through it.

by the way, it seems obvious but i just realized recently that the reason my blog is so boring is because i always post about my feelings here instead of actually writing anything with a thesis lol. i figured out i can use this as my personal newspaper and write about whatever interests me, here's some ideas i came up with that could make good blog entries:
  • my 2023 weight loss journey (successfully done a lot healthily without getting triggered or relapsing)
  • manga or movie recommendations (would that be better as a solo page?)
  • i could post my mix tapes here without feeling pressure to make a whole page
anyway... as usual, i don't have that much to say i just felt like making an update.

i watched muriel's wedding again recently and resonated with it on a level i haven't in the past. same as many LGBTQ people, i've always loved stories about people who don't fit in but i think the themes in muriel's wedding click with me especially recently because it's a misfit story where the main character makes changes but not in the ways she aspires to originally. i'm not a big fan of misfit stories where the ending message is "we're all different so nobody has to change!" i love that muriel finds out what's important to her and is also able to confront her habit of lying, etc. in the last scene, i love seeing that kind of character development in a movie.

06/10/2023

helter skelter
    mood: burned out
    listening to: nothing
    reading: nothing
    watching: nothing
    eating/drinking: water
i seem to have abandoned this blog a bit, weirdly it's a mix of having too much on my plate/being overwhelmed and nothing interesting on my mind.



i recently discovered dot and the kangaroo which i saw as a really small child (then never again) but it always stuck with me. there's a haunting ambience throughout.

i started working on a zine yesterday in attempts to process some things that happened to me recently. i'm hoping it can help me deal with this stuff in more of a healthy way.

11/12/2022

overwhelmed by chilling as usual, i can't get my life perfectly balanced but the good side of it is that i'm getting some ideas for my site. i've been trying to implement regular reading and it's ok, due to being overly busy i'm thinking of setting the general goal to spend 30-60 minutes a day doing something challenging A.K.A. not phone scrolling. one of my options to work on secret cottage again since HTML has gotta be somewhat good for your brain? idk... here's a note to self of some pages i'm hoping to work on soon.
  • expanded universal studios mini-shrines will keep adding~
  • universal studios chocolate bar reviews will keep adding~
  • E.T. adventure 2022 updates
  • more sewing scans
  • more content on orca grotto ~ possibly orca fun facts will keep adding~
for the record, i've still been avoiding drinking alcohol. since my last blog, i had a grapefruit beer with very low alcohol volume but that's it. i still seriously miss wine T_T i've also been going to the gym when available though i haven't gone in about two weeks cuz work has been hectic.

that's about it... this time of year is always kinda nostalgic but at the same time all my alone time seems to get sucked away before i realize what happened lol

09/20/2022

rainy day
    mood: peaceful
    listening to: nothing
    reading: nothing
    watching: nothing
    eating/drinking: water
i'm SO GLAD i've actually been productive at work lately. it's a huge relief to be working somewhat consistently lately and i'm moving past one of those phases where i have to force it in the name of "just do something"

my alcohol quitting/break is going ok too. i don't miss it as much though i'm still on the fence about if i feel the need to quit for good or if i want to have 1 drink every now and then.

i'm still kinda in a slump with updating my site here but i'm sure i'll have some new idea soon.

09/01/2022

it's september i don't have much to say, just kind of in the mood to write a blog. i went through a period where i was kinda obsessed with working on my site here and i think it's plateaued a bit. i don't really have any immediate ideas for anything to work on or add. i've been playing moderneopets in my spare time which has kind of replaced neocities for me.

if anyone reads my blog, are there any pages you recommend expanding here? i'm not too sure...

i've officially not had a drink of alcohol for a week today. here's some things i've noticed in the first week:
  1. the evening during "wine hour" has become pretty boring. i try to back off H to give him time to unwind after work so keeping myself occupied is boring. i've tried getting back into reading but i haven't brought back the habit yet.
  2. i have SOOO MUCH trouble getting to sleep now.
  3. i have trouble waking up and feel shitty in the morning. (weird, i'd expect it to be the opposite.)
i wonder if i'm still getting through some kind of withdrawal or something and that's why quitting drinking is making me feel like shit. i also think it'll help if i start exercising or something. i often get the fake feeling that i have a lot on my plate but i can definitely make time to go for walks at least.

08/25/2022

turning over a new leaf
    mood: hopeful
    listening to: nothing
    reading: i've been meaning to start something...
    watching: nothing
    eating/drinking: coffee

"i'm an insecure person, insecure about how i look. and the more insecure i felt, the more i'd drink." ~ amy winehouse

i decided this morning i no longer have much choice and i need to quit drinking. i'm somehow out of sync with myself. i'm not sure if it's low self-esteem, something about my past, self-sabotage... my problem is that i drink then use it as an excuse to have poor impulse control. i made a pricey purchase yesterday that i didn't need. and though i've made tons of progress with overeating, often when i get drunk i binge eat. so... today is day one.

i've had to take breaks from drinking due to medication so i know it's something i'm capable of, though there will be challenges i'm sure. i'm planning to cope by learning how to make fancy boba or teas in the evenings as well as getting back into the habit of reading or doing hobbies.

08/13/2022

new buttons i finally got around to adding neocities buttons to my links page!!! i've been so guilty about not sharing these awesome sites ^_^;

otherwise, i've been all over the place lately. everything is ok... i'll just continue working and hopefully make progress on my site little by little when i have free time.

08/03/2022

my first blog
    mood: contemplative
    listening to: nothing
    reading: nothing sadly ^.^"
    watching: nothing
    eating/drinking: wine
lately i've been in reverie and find myself going to read my old blog. it inspired me to start writing again even if it feels kinda boring or pointless. i am very proud of the page i was able to code though. it turned out exactly how i'd hoped.

last night i dreamt that H and i went to an exhibit at a huge museum (similar to the museum of natural history or something) and we saw a gigantic tank with humanoid sea creatures that resembled the drawings on the "sea monkey" package. they were humanlike but covered in armor. H wanted to get in the tank and try to interact with them but i was terrified.

i'm happy to have put a lot of time into my neocities page lately even if i feel super guilty for not working as much. i'm finally figuring out that people my age probably won't be able to buy houses so i'm not as on-fire when it comes to trying to be successful. might as well just enjoy life and go at my own pace. i'm fine as long as my day-to-day isn't miserable.